A couple weeks ago I was having one of "those" days. My amazing husband took one look at me and said "leave, you need some Shannon-time." At first I refused to go, it felt wrong, I had a child to take care of, unfinished chores, and that always present mom-guilt. Upon threat of being carried out to the car, I fianally left. I decided a trip to the mall could only mean trouble, so I headed to the nail spa instead. I sat there in complete silence (it's not like I could carry on a converstaion with the woman doing my pedicure even if I wanted to) for an hour, and it felt great. When I finished there I headed to the movie theater. I had never been to a movie by myself, and it seemed like the perfect day to give it a try. I sat there for another two hours in complete silence. I could feel my sanity returning and my hazy brain becoming clearer. By the time I returned home, I felt like a new woman. I forget how important it is to just be me. I get so distracted by being a mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, that I forget about Shannon and her needs. It feels wrong to say "I need," but I need to learn how to. I must learn how to conquer that "always present mom-guilt" I mentioned earlier, because if I don't take care of myself I will not have the strength to take care of others. Part of learning to take care of myself is finding balance.
The movie I saw by myself was "Eat, Pray, Love" it's a wonderful movie about a woman who is searching for balance, peace and her own path in life. While sitting there watching this movie, it hit me, balance. I feel so unbalanced. How do I mourn my son (truly, honestly, with all my heart mourn) while being a good mom to my daughter? Since Gabe passed away I have been powering through. A week after he left it was Thanksgiving, then Christmas, a trip to Disneyland, Kayla's Birthday, etc, etc...I have been moving through the last 10 months like a steam train. We have had event after event, trip after trip. I realized something the other day, did I even enjoy any of those trip or events? My body has been moving, but was my mind, my spirit, truly present? I feel like I've been ghosting through life for the last year. I'm tired of it. I want to feel life, I want to enjoy the journey, and so I must feel with my whole being the depth of loss of my son. I must learn how to balance. If I give all of me to one, then there is nothing left for the other. So this is my new journey in life...balance.