Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Balance

A couple weeks ago I was having one of "those" days. My amazing husband took one look at me and said "leave, you need some Shannon-time." At first I refused to go, it felt wrong, I had a child to take care of, unfinished chores, and that always present mom-guilt. Upon threat of being carried out to the car, I fianally left. I decided a trip to the mall could only mean trouble, so I headed to the nail spa instead. I sat there in complete silence (it's not like I could carry on a converstaion with the woman doing my pedicure even if I wanted to) for an hour, and it felt great. When I finished there I headed to the movie theater. I had never been to a movie by myself, and it seemed like the perfect day to give it a try. I sat there for another two hours in complete silence. I could feel my sanity returning and my hazy brain becoming clearer. By the time I returned home, I felt like a new woman. I forget how important it is to just be me. I get so distracted by being a mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, that I forget about Shannon and her needs. It feels wrong to say "I need," but I need to learn how to. I must learn how to conquer that "always present mom-guilt" I mentioned earlier, because if I don't take care of myself I will not have the strength to take care of others. Part of learning to take care of myself is finding balance.
The movie I saw by myself was "Eat, Pray, Love" it's a wonderful movie about a woman who is searching for balance, peace and her own path in life. While sitting there watching this movie, it hit me, balance. I feel so unbalanced. How do I mourn my son (truly, honestly, with all my heart mourn) while being a good mom to my daughter? Since Gabe passed away I have been powering through. A week after he left it was Thanksgiving, then Christmas, a trip to Disneyland, Kayla's Birthday, etc, etc...I have been moving through the last 10 months like a steam train. We have had event after event, trip after trip. I realized something the other day, did I even enjoy any of those trip or events? My body has been moving, but was my mind, my spirit, truly present? I feel like I've been ghosting through life for the last year. I'm tired of it. I want to feel life, I want to enjoy the journey, and so I must feel with my whole being the depth of loss of my son. I must learn how to balance. If I give all of me to one, then there is nothing left for the other. So this is my new journey in life...balance.

4 comments:

Meghan said...

Balance...words to live by. Thanks for reminding me, too. Not that I am going through anything like what you are, but everyone needs to take care of him/herself, you especially! Call anytime (I can help you balance..take care of Kayla...talk...whatever) !

xoxo
m

Meghan said...

By the way, I think it is weird that the times I have checked your blog recently are the days right after you post. Truly connected we are ;)

Cindy said...

Shannon, your post touched me in many ways. And you are right, going through what you went through had to change you and your entire family. I know that I am a much different person because of what we went through with Andy. I am a different mother, wife, daughter, heck, even a different co-worker. I react to situations much differently that I would have before Andy got sick. I struggle daily with balancing it all when I just want to sit down and cry. If you ever want someone to talk to that is on this same journey, feel free to call or email me. Take care, Cindy.

Robin said...

Your post riveted me. It never changes you know... the need to find balance and yourself in our busy world. It is a lifelong struggle to find the moments we are fully present. It takes courage to break away and feel. Quieting the noise in your brain and actually hear yourself in the silence. Super Jesse for recognizing your need and pushing you to seize the moment.