Breathe in...breathe out...one foot infront of the other...one day at a time...
It has been almost one month since we walked out the front doors of the LPCH NICU, without our Gabriel. It's hard to put into words how we made it out of the hospital that night, towing behind us a wagon full of Gabe's stuff, but no Gabe. I always knew it was going to take a miracle to fix G's body, but I always, always hoped it was possible. I had too, how can you ever give up on your child?
I will always remember November 16, 2009 as the most horrible and most beautiful day of my life. We took Gabe up to the roof of the Hospital. We found a spot under a tree with lovely purple flowers, and there, with Jesse by my side, I cradled my son in my arms. It was the first time I had ever held my son without tubes and wires inbetween us. It was the first time I could stare into his beautiful face without anything blocking my view. It was only then, seeing Gabe more at peace and more content then I'd ever seen him before, that I realized how much he had gone through. I've always known that we pushed Gabe and his body, but it wasn't until that moment, on the roof, that I saw the real Gabriel. He wasn't in pain anymore, and I knew we had made the right decision. We snuggled Gabe close and told him how much we loved him; how proud of him we were for the battle he had fought; and that it was ok to go now. Gabriel took several breaths on his own, and then passed quickly, quietly, and peacefully.
How do you go forward in life after loosing a piece of your heart? We haven't figured this one out yet? I'm not sure that the pain ever goes away, I think you learn how to live with it. Some days are worse than others, and sometimes there are tears, and sometimes there are smiles, when we think about this beautiful little boy that forever changed us. Because of Gabe, I will never be able to look at life the same again. In Gabe's short time on this earth, he opened my eyes to what is truly important, and for that I will be forever greatful. He will always be our son; we will always talk about him; his pictures will always be scattered about our house; and his stocking will always hang with ours at Christmas time, just as it is right now.
Gabriel will forever be my Super G and my inspiration for life.